Senses of Living® Décor
November 2004
© 2004 by Bret S. Beall

STUPID DESIGNER TRICKS

I freely admit that the title respectfully borrows from David Letterman's "stupid pet tricks." I debated long and hard about using such a pejorative term as "stupid" to describe various design ideas presented below, as I prefer to be positive and to find the good in everything. But, I am also about being mindful, and the following examples are not even remotely mindful! While "stupid" is not the opposite of "mindful," it does have a certain "oomph" that I like!

I have devoted previous writings to stupid designer tricks without calling them such. Have you read my column, "Focal Point, Schmocal Point"? If not, here's a link (click AFTER you read THIS column … please): http://www.god-dess.com/services_sensesAugust03.html. If I accomplish nothing else, I hope to convince the rest of the design world that the notion of "focal point" is seriously flawed from any perspective one might have!

"Focal points" are not the only flawed information one can get from many designers. One designer, explaining how to set a table including a hot coffee drink, claimed a spoon added to a hot drink in a wine glass would 1) prevent the glass from cracking, and 2) keep your hands from burning. While she was correct that adding one more heat conductor would diffuse the heat faster than without the extra conductor, adding that conductor AFTER the hot drink was put in the glass (as she did) would surely be too late. It is the thermal shock of hot against cold that causes cracking. So much for science education in America!

Another televised stupid designer trick related to table-scaping involved a very famous and very rich party planner! I was utterly shocked to see him douse a table in sand to create a "beach scene." Sand was everywhere, and I would be quite surprised if a bit of breeze, or careless movement DIDN'T allow sand to get into the food … "icky" to say the least, and "expensive dental work" to say the most!

I recently perused the home décor of one bon vivant featured in a glossy design magazine. Everything was overwrought, busy, uninviting and pretentious. I wondered what sort of person could actually live in such an environment. In a question and answer session, he was asked what was the worst gaffe he had experienced when being entertained by someone else. His reply? That he had to deal with unpressed napkins! Suddenly I knew what sort of person could live in such an environment: someone who needs to get a life! Perhaps "mal vivant" would be a better term to describe him?

One final tabletop example of poor design were the place mats at a B&B where I stayed recently. In my experience, most placemats are soft and pliable, so if they come to the edge of the table, they will flop over the edge (ie, a rectangular placemat on a round table … THAT could be the problem to begin with … use oval place mats on a round table, people!). However, at this B&B, the place mats were rigid "boards," and literally stuck out beyond the edge of the round table by several inches. I'll admit that sometimes, I am one of the clumsiest people on planet (but not always). Sure enough, I bumped that placemat that was sticking out, and upturned my juice glass (spilling juice, but not breaking anything). That was a poorly conceived design concept!

Perhaps I project my own clumsiness onto others, but I know I am not the only clumsy person on the planet! I know I am not the only one who has damaged himself on sharp furniture corners. Usually sharp furniture corners can't be avoided (until organic design takes over, we're stuck with dangerous corners!), but we can try to keep furniture corners out of traffic flow patterns. This is one reason I tend to not use coffee tables, because by definition they are in traffic patterns, and I have hurt myself too many times … and bumped them too many times, causing too many spills. Think about it. I do like end tables, though, because they tend to be tucked out of the flow of traffic. Thinking about traffic flow can save yourself, your family and your guests much pain!

Thus far, I've written about furnishings. I just finished reading an essay by a relatively famous, high visibility, highly paid design consultant bemoaning the lack of furnishings, accoutrements and accessories in the houses he scouts for his magazine. Having seen examples of what passes muster, usually lots of frills and chintze and bric-a-brac and too much other "stuff" (all very expensive, of course), I am bewildered that this counts as "taste." I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, "Every night I pray that people with money get taste and people with taste get money" (Hutton Wilkinson, couture and accessory designer).

Many designers hope to demonstrate their "taste" by stating that they take their inspiration from the natural world. Now, THIS is one area where I have few (if any) peers in the design and décor world. Sadly, most designers are totally clueless with regard to what the different elements of nature mean. Most of the time, we see subdued colors (the so-called "earth tones"); there's nothing wrong with that, but it's only part of the story. Chances are that the designers only know those are "earth tones" because color marketers have labeled them as such!

On occasion I have seen designers take a single, brilliantly colored flower, and use it as the "inspiration piece" for decorating a room (I think I see another inspiration for a future essay!). Of course, there is no reason (from an evolutionary biology perspective) why a room decorated like that flower should enhance the life of a human being. Chances are that the flower evolved in order to attract pollinators (insects, birds and/or bats). So, the designer has effectively created a room that would enhance the life of an insect, bird or bat. Some of my best friends are insects, birds and bats, but I don't want my home to favor them over me!

This is not the only way to incorporate nature into a room. One of my favorite ways is to have plants living throughout my home for both health and esthetic purposes. Of course, being an evolutionary biologist by training, I am perhaps somewhat more familiar with the botanical requirements of houseplants than the average designer or decorator. But, I know my weaknesses as well as I know my strengths, and I don't make claims or suggestions in areas where I am ignorant (in my case, that would be sewing … don't do it, won't do it!). Too often, designers think of plants as just another accoutrement, and stick them anywhere they want. As I have often complained in the past, not only are some of their botanical choices impractical for beginning indoor gardeners, but their chosen locations are just ridiculous from the plant's perspective. Don't take botanical advice from someone who doesn't know botany.

I also think that many designers have never cleaned a room in their lives. If they had, they would be WAY more sensitive to the bizarre texture and other "busy"-ness they inflict on undefended rooms. A well-known TV designer is known for her freakish wall treatments (feathers, straw, and I'm sure other materials I've mentally repressed as being too frightening). How are those walls every going to be cleaned? What about dust sensitivities? What about overall health? This demonstrates tunnel-vision when it comes to design: they have a "vision" that must be made manifest, without any regard for the welfare of the inhabitants. Another arrogant designer on the same show has inflicted his "style" on unarmed home owners without any concern that DESIGN IS ABOUT ENHANCING LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS. Design is not just about looking good (not that his designs always look good)!

It may also be that some designers have never read a book in their entire lives. Why would I make such an outrageous statement? Because of the manner in which many designers treat books in their décor schemes. One thought that books were ugly, so a shelf of books needed to be covered by curtains on a collapsible rod; if something is being concealed, one must ask whether the items are needed in the first place. Another designer apparently liked books, so he removed the spines of several books he bought at a thrift store, glued them to boards, and created faux bookshelves; to this day, I will never understand that one. What about a book lamp? No, I'm not talking about a lamp used to aid in reading books ... heaven forbid! Instead, I saw one designer take a stack of books, drill through them, and insert the workings of a lamp … those poor books! Lastly, there is the horizontal book orientation. While I have no problem with laying books on their sides, it is with the clear understanding that I will have an increased level of difficulty accessing them (and if I don't need to access them, I can get rid of them). Imagine my shock at seeing designers in magazines and on television using piles of books as tables! Not only are they inaccessible, but they are also certainly dust magnets! Back to my issue of designers not knowing about cleaning!

One of these days I'll write an essay about the décor and design abuses done in the name of feng shui, wabi sabi and vaastu, among other traditions. At this point, it would be opening a can of worms (or is that "words"?) that neither of us wants to deal with. Be alert: If some "feng shui expert" tells you that putting a mirror or a set of chimes in particular places will change your life, they have missed the central, philosophical principles of these traditions. Don't be conned!

At the beginning of this essay, I mentioned I like to be positive and optimistic. Well, I think the fact that you now have clear-cut examples of stupid designer tricks, you can stop worrying about what you see in glossy magazines and on the telly, and start THINKING about what you can do to enhance your life and relationships using your home décor and some of the "counter suggestions" I have outlined above. And, if you find yourself needing some help and comfort, give me a call at 773.508.9208, or send me a message at bret@god-dess.com. But, right now I need to go enhance my own environment!